Suspended in nothingness on spread gilded wings, The brightest stars in a hollow black night How though- for so bright are those divine Is their grace astray from the path of our eyes?
Perhaps only when the stars have gone to sleep And the clouds a blanket for the silver moon The winds still, not blowing- the darkened night calm Can we still hear some strains of their long lost songs
Lamentations, sorrows, pilings of misery on woe Their loneliness in the Heavens, so overlooked by all As each day passes; yet only more lose sight Of these angels that were supposed to guide us to the right.
So now these beings, fading ever away: Leave them to mourn for those without eyes- And lack the ability to feel with the heart God knows why I don't want to be an angel.
Suspended in nothingness on spread gilded wings, “Suspended” implies a notion of floating into thin air already, esp. followed by the mention of wings; “nothingness” is redundant.
The brightest stars in a hollow black night “Black night” is pleonastic. Of course the night is black, what else could it be? And if there indeed are stars, why is it hollow then?
How though- for so bright are those divine Is their grace astray from the path of our eyes? The construction in the first line is unclear, whether it’s a question or a statement, and the connection to the second line is hard to grasp: the stars are bright, but we cannot see them? Why?
Perhaps only when the stars have gone to sleep That is, in daytime? The blanket analogy in the following line does help clarifying what you mean to say, but this is the first striking impression it calls to the reader’s mind upon reading that the stars have gone to sleep.
And the clouds a blanket for the silver moon “Silver moon” is another pleonasm, unless the moon has a different colour because of particular atmospheric conditions, which you wouldn’t physically be able to spot anyway because the clouds are covering it. Beware continuity holes, always.
The winds still, not blowing- the darkened night calm Pleonastic, all of it.
Can we still hear some strains of their long lost songs… Whose song? The stars’? Too sudden, it confuses the reader.
Lamentations, sorrows, pilings of misery on woe Their loneliness in the Heavens, so overlooked by all This doesn’t evoke any real feeling of grief nor any real pang of pain. Just saying the words “lamentations”, “sorrow”, “woe” etc is not enough for the reader to feel those emotions. The second line gives off a kind of kicked puppy impression, inherently whiny and “boo-hoo I’m so lonely”. Really not what you want your reader to think, I suppose.
As each day passes; yet only more lose sight Of these angels that were supposed to guide us to the right. Who are these “more” losing sight? It’s very generic, again, and detached from any concrete detail. Furtheromre, the second line rings too long and a bit cluttered, might benefit from a shortening (i.e. cut the construction with “were supposed”).
So now these beings, fading ever away: Missing verb.
Leave them to mourn for those without eyes- And lack the ability to feel with the heart… Who should mourn? Who are those without eyes, and what does the lack of eyes have to do with everything else? “Feel with the heart” is a terribly cliched, terribly corny expression. Strike it without mercy.
God knows why I don't want to be an angel. The sudden first person might be a nice trick to switch the tone and end the poem in an unexpected way, but as it stands, it just sounds clunky and out of place: the association with the angels’ pain is not immediate because you haven’t shown anything of the angels’ pain in the first place, so the reader is just left to think “well okay, don’t be an angel, fine, your choice” as if it were all no big deal.
The biggest issue in this poem is, you’re just telling telling telling telling and nearly not enough showing. When you try to show, the imagery is cliched (the night time scenario coupled with soul turmoil of any sort is a very stock one, mind you) and poorly rendered in terms of style (see “black night” and other pesky pleonasms: they’re harder to spot than they seem, I swear, I struggle with them on a daily basis, but trust me, the more you kill them with fire, the better). It’s not clear what you want to say with this poem, and if it was meant to convey Weltschmerz, well, it’s so watered down by trite and talky writing that it doesn’t come across. I’m not saying that angels cannot work as objective correlative to Weltschmerz, even if it’s been done before indeed: but you really need to add some flesh to their heavenly presences so to speak. Don’t think of how song lyrics express a feeling of pain or grief, think of how YOU experience it, in mind and body. Go for the concrete, tangible details. Tighten up and cut words instead of adding more, and leave only the meaningful ones.
Yeah, I know. There are those so to say, who can only see the surface of things and never but graze the waters while there are some who can dive down below under its depths. In all, we would first know how to swim ^^
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built to be an
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that keywords as we
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We think we
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MonthHave you ever
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Endorell-Taelos is very well known within the community for her selfless giving and gracious community spirit. Since joining DeviantART over seven years ago, Alicia has continued to make a positive impact on many deviants. Her helpful and thoughtful approach was one of her finest attributes when serving as a Community Volunteer, and this has continued throughout the many contests which Alicia provides on a regular basis. As we approach our Birthday celebrations, we can't... Read More